One of the groups I’m in with single girls has been chatting away recently

About life, love, and the like

So many convos going in so many different directions. At the same time.

We are women.

We come from so many career paths and yet the message is the same

Being single is so much work

To find that person who clearly wants a relationship

Who wants to focus in on one person. Forever.

Why must being single be such a lie?

The lie of how much fun it is to date so many

We don’t even want to count the hours we’ve invested into it, we’d be considered professionals, of that there is zero doubt

The lie of how many options are out there

The options are more like a Goodwill store filled with used clothing all with holes, none worth salvaging

The lie of how much more time we have to ourselves

We’ve reached our limit

We are a great group of women, with great careers, going out to great restaurants, high end bars and meeting no one of value for years on end

There is a single lie out there, and we are all living it

I’d love to tell all of you that I am happy each and every day

I’m not

I’d love to tell you that my social media paints the complete picture of who I am

It does not

I’d love to say that I do not feel anxious, scared, worried or just plain worthless ever

That would be a lie

I will tell you that I am making an effort every single day

Some days are simply harder than others

I am a rollercoaster

Sometimes I remember that being single truly makes me smile

It’s knowing I can go and do whatever my crazy schedule allows

And that I’m growing

That I’m becoming the me I need to be

For myself

And that it’s a process

It takes time to be that caterpillar

To become that butterfly

To form those wings with their own intricate design

And when ready, to share that out for the world to see

The beauty and uniqueness in all of us

Until that time, I’ll be single and smiling

How many times do we shut that door on what we want

How many times do we refuse to let anyone in

And…

When someone cracks it open at 1 am when they fail to show up that evening

How many times do we feel worthless enough to open that door?

The door that provides empty comfort.

And how great does it feel to finally close that one?

So we can start walking towards the one that should be left open

Start closing some doors.

And opening the right ones

We are single

We are not desperate

When someone does not respond to us

It is okay to walk away

When we are not a priority

It’s okay to call them out

Value yourself

Value your time

And remember

We are single

We are not desperate

We attract similar to what we project

What you been attracting lately?

For the past 8 years, it’s been a bit icky for me

Attracting those who I wouldn’t even consider dating in ‘real life’

Why?

Well, the vibe I was putting out there was one of helping all the ‘strays’

I’m all about helping others, volunteering, giving back

But for friends and life partners, it’s solid, positive, motivated people

What are you attracting?

And if it’s not the right thing, look inside to see what you’re putting out

That’s on us, not on them

I’m kinda laughing as I type this one

In the attempt to continue dating one person, I’ve hit a road block

I’m a communicator, hence the blog, right?

In knowing our expectations from any relationship we are able to establish boundaries

How many times have we went out with someone and thought, well I guess I could tolerate that

Communication.

It takes time and effort

Commitment

Prioritization

Reprioritization

Not everyone is in this stage of singleness

And that is okay

What is not okay, is wanting to ‘help’ someone transition to the stage you are in, you can’t control them, nor should you try to. Danger Will Rogers.

What is okay is to communicate your stage and it’s expectations so the other understands and can decide for themselves where they want to be

So it’s single, with consequences

You wouldn’t expect a toddler to be at the same stage as a preschooler or a graduate, why expect your dating partner to be anything different

So if you are not in the toddler dating stage but rather want a graduate or relationship level partner, stop looking at daycares and preschools

So much reflection lately

So much time spent trying to process why I continue to attract men who are not good for me

And as I sit down and try and dig a bit deeper into who I am

I am broken

I am hurt

I am tired

As I put the puzzle pieces together

Trying to pick up the fractured elements of my life and make sense of it all

The picture coming into focus is my dad

How broken this man has been

How much I wanted to help him

I wanted a role model in him

And I now look back at his image and know I am done

There will be no more ‘dating my dad’ thru any man

A man of strength is what we all deserve

And I will heal

I will set boundaries

I will find attract what I am worthy of

Nothing less

He is so full of personality.

Larger than life.

This will be our first meeting. He announced

Oh, it’s not a date?

Nope. I never call a first encounter a date, always a meeting.

I watch his blue eyes sparkle. I love his hat, it’s grey plaid with a royal blue sash to it.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, that could take all night, what do you want to know? Beginning, middle, end?

Beginning.

Oh that’s easy, my dad used to beat us with a 2 x 2.

My brother and I, whoever moved more was hit more. It was to prepare us for the world.

My head tips to one side, he continues.

And sometimes we were forced to duct tape magazines to our hands and beat one another with them.

Not until one of us was bleeding, but until both of us were covered in blood.

I have yet to move, my breathing remains calm and regular.

He always told us it only takes one bullet if you do it right as he turned it over and over in his hand. I can still see him doing that today.

Absorption is one thing I never tire of.

He shot himself when I was in my 20’s.

I’m good tho, I’ve healed, I’m moving on. He takes another puff from his medicinal vaping pen as a child sucking on a pacifier for security.

You have the most lovely eyes, they sparkle with such life. I tell him

He smiles back at me.

And I realize this is indeed a first meeting.